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" Loneliness "Part 7 in the "War Torn arc"Written By: ShenLong Disclaimer: I don't own the G Boys. They belong
to their respective copyright companies. I just borrow them from time
to time to play with and return them a lot happier. Ne? :) Also I
do not own the song "Burn For You" it belongs to John Farnham
and as such all rights are his. Rating: R. Warnings: Angst, POV, Lime hints, Song Fic Notes: Trowa has figured out his feelings for Quatre and the couple have settled into a life together but Trowa becomes restless as Quatre's business seems to take up more and more of his time leaving Trowa out in the cold. Authors Notes: This is the seventh in the War Torn Arc. The arc now moves onto the relationship between Trowa and Quatre. This one is from Quatre's POV. Summary: Trowa has left Quatre and returned to
L3. Quatre is now finding himself facing his greatest fears. Archive: www.gundam-wing-diaries.150m.com // Denotes song lyrics //
" Loneliness " July 2003 ShenLong
~ Quatre POV ~ I shuffle wearily into the bedroom and toss my briefcase to the floor, uncaring of where it lands and flop to the bed. My hand wanders to run through my hair, pushing it back off my face and I rub at the stubble growing on my chin. Slowly I un-knot the cheerful, blue tie and yank it from my neck, wincing slightly as the force pulls the collar of my shirt roughly against my skin. // I got myself into some trouble tonight With a sigh I roll over to my stomach and bury my face into the soft pillow, hugging it tight against me. My mind rolls back over the meeting I have just come from and I cower at the thought of what transpired. The board of directors had summoned me for answers... explanations for the many mistakes I had been making. But how can you tell such a group the real reasons behind my fuck ups? They wouldn't accept it anyway, even if it is the truth. I sigh again and roll over, instantly my eyes alight on the framed photograph that sits on my bedside table, and I reach for it. I bring it closer to me and study it intently. My finger traces the outline of your face as the tears well behind my eye lids. With a sob I toss the picture aside and claim my pillow once again, allowing the tears to finally fall and soak the fabric. // It's been so long since I've seen your face I should have listened, I should have paid more attention to what was happening, what you were trying to tell me. I should have seen what was coming, known exactly what was going on... but no. I allowed myself to be manipulated, to be used as it were and now I've lost the only thing I really cared about. As loathe as I am to admit it, I drove you away, preferring to listen to the demands and requests my business dictated, and in the process planted the wedge that began the destruction of something pure and unequaled. When I finally woke up to what was going on it was too late. You saw it happening long before I did and tried to warn me. But like the stubborn fool that I am, I refused to listen, citing jealousy and your background as being the cause for your concern. When you offered to help me, again I took that simple trust and ruined it. Determined to change you into my own ideal at the insistence of my board. They showed me how *unsuitable* you were for the position, constantly finding fault with your work until they had me so convinced that I also began to reprimand you over trivial things. I don't blame you for quitting. Was I that blind and caught up in my work not to see what was happening around me? I turn the pillow over to soak the other side. // That voice you showed me is not the one that I
know The day you came charging into my office, demanding to talk still haunts me. I should have known then by the tone of your voice that something was seriously wrong and yet.... ... I still didn't connect. Was I that brainwashed? The sinking feeling that washed through me that evening when I returned home to find you had gone is with me still. The empty closet, your car missing, all adds up to what a jerk I was being. But still I didn't get it. I was angry... angry and hurt that you would have just upped and left. Did everything I had ever done for you mean so little? The board and my family all smirked when they knew you had left, saying I would be much better off without you and pointing out what damage our relationship would have done to the company and the Winner name. Like a fool I believed them. // Don't hang up again Knowing where you would have run to I waited a couple of days for you to get your head together before calling. Your calm deep voice when you spoke sent shivers racing up my spine, but I hardened my resolve. "When are you coming home?" I asked in a blank tone. "I'm not." "Trowa, this is ridiculous, you know my job is important to me, I have responsibilities to the company and my family. You knew that before we even became a couple and now you're letting petty jealousy of my job interfere with our relationship." You sighed. "You still don't get it do you, Quatre? I know your job and family are important to you and I respect that; but our relationship is also important. You have no time for *us* any more, Quatre. Can't you see what is before your very eyes?" "You're just being childish!" I snapped. Another sigh. "Take a good look, Quatre. Open your eyes and see the truth for what it is. Don't get swallowed up." "You're talking rubbish, Trowa. Now stop this silly game and come home where you belong," I growl. "No. I will not return until I know that the Quatre I fell in love with is back again. Only don't take too long to find him will you?" I stared at the now disconnected call dumbly. No one dared to hang up on me. Angrily I re-dialed the number only to have it ring engaged. With a roar of rage I yanked the phone from its socket and threw it across the room. // But I burn for you I sit miserably upon my bed as I deal with the thoughts that tear through my head. I sigh as I drag myself to the bathroom. Maybe a shower will help. As the water runs over my body, I am again reminded of how much I long for you. The tender moments we spent together in the shower, gently soaping each other and washing away the grime of the day, soft lingering touches that ended in screams of ecstasy as you repeatedly thrust into my heated body. // I burn for you I turn the taps off viciously, and ignoring the swell between my legs I grab a towel and run it roughly over my tender, heated skin. I can't even take a shower now without being reminded yet again of what I have lost. With still damp bangs, I crawl between the sheets and try to convince my body to sleep. // I guess it feels like you're always alone Another two weeks have passed and along with it my sanity. My work has suffered to the point where I no longer care about it. All I want is you. When I turned to my family for support they ignored me. My various meetings and running of the company was delegated off bit by bit as I found I could no longer cope with the demands of the job. No matter how much time I put into it there was always more expected of me. I began to feel lost. All alone. Nothing more than a puppet, a figurehead, a name. I stare out the window at the world around me. When was the last time I stopped to smell the roses? When did I last enjoy the simple pleasure of a cup of tea in bed? When did I last savor the laughter of children playing? When was the last time I relaxed at the beach? When was the last time I was free to be *me*? A sob escapes my throat as my forehead touches the cool glass. My palm splays out as I stare off blankly, tears rolling down my cheeks as I finally understand. // It's so hard to explain to you The excuses, the reasoning behind my attempted explanations to you of my life and my job are clearly seen for what they were. Just excuses. Each time you would voice your concerns or try to get me to listen to reason, I would refuse, believing instead what my family told me, you were trying to take me away. Blindly I trusted them and so rebutted you, taking out my frustrations on you by working longer hours and denying you what was rightfully yours. How can you ever forgive me? //But I burn for you My heart aches deep inside. I've hurt the one thing that is more important to me than living. // I burn for you Turning around I punch the com unit and tell my secretary to cancel the rest of my day's appointments. Ignoring her protests I march from my office and stride out into the real world. I need to think, to clear my head and sort through this tangled web I have woven. // Took my trouble to a bar tonight I stare at the amber fluid in the glass, swirling it around balefully. The bartender approaches and leans up against the timber, methodically cleaning a glass. I look up at him through bloodshot eyes. I know they are bloodshot, I can see my reflection in the mirror that runs behind the bar, and believe me it isn't a pretty sight. My tie is loosened, the top two buttons of my shirt undone and the tie sitting askew. The usually crisp, white, starched material is wrinkled and stained. My hair is wild about my head and I know my breath must stink after the alcohol I have consumed. Actually, I haven't drunk all that much. Three glasses of scotch to be precise, but when you rarely drink it doesn't take long for the effects to seep into your system. "Wanna talk about it?" I stare at the bartender. "You look like you found a penny but lost a pound." "That obvious, huh?" "She must be pretty special to have this effect on you, buddy." My eyes snap open. "Not a she." "Oh. Look son, whatever it is you've argued about if he's that special I'm sure you can work it out." I give him a mournful look and then find myself reciting the whole mess into his waiting ears. Whether it's the alcohol coursing through my veins that causes my tongue to loosen, I don't know. All I can say is I felt much better after speaking to a total stranger. Once I had finished telling the whole sorry tale I watched through tear filled eyes as he thought about the information. // But there's nothing new "Want some advice, son?" I nod. I'm so desperate now that I will listen to anyone's advice. Even a bartender. I'll do anything if it will mean I can get my Trowa back. He proceeded to share his wisdom with me. As I listened so the wool that had been pulled over my eyes for so long began to unravel. I thought I had understood a little before, but now I had a much clearer picture. For the first time since you left a spark of light broke through into the darkness of my misery. // But I burn for you I grabbed at that sliver of light, determined not to let it go. The more I thought on the wise words of the bartender the brighter the light of hope became until it burnt brilliantly within my soul. I left the bar and headed home to the mansion. //I burn for you The fire in my heart was still a spark and I could only hope that yours was the same. I prayed it wasn't too late for me to coax that spark back into the flame that once burned so brightly. ~ Owari ~
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